Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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