my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
