Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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