he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
