11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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