i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
