you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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