I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
