apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
