Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i came on her dog
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
