Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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