well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
