I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
