I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
