Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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