well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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