Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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