dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
