I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
