Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
