I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
