do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
