based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
