god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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