Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
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I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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