She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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