Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
