It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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