dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
