Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
