So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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