paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
it's great music for shaving your balls
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
