I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And then my night got REAL pukey
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
