Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You brought string cheese to the strip club
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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