Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
