I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Randomize
