I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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