i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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