maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
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