you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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