His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You took a bar mat shot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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