He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
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I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...