your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
