I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
