Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
