now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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