I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
