Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
