You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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