it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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