I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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