Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
