Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
