he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
