I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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