Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
