Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
