yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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