Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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