how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
