I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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